Can I Offer You a Light?

I have been teased for years about being a little on the sheltered side of life. I will admit that definitely used to be true. I grew up in a small town, and my parents let us be kids for as long as possible. I had a very idyllic upbringing. So when I came to the big city and started working downtown weekend nights on the ambulance, I received a whole new education. Not only was some of the terminology, or slang, different than I was used to, but some of the basic human behaviors were far out of my experience.

When one works the streets (slang for working as a First Responder) long enough, “regulars” begin to pop up. Some of these patients, or even people that we run across, leave an indelible mark that is hard forget. For instance, there was the transvestite prostitute that would walk up to our ambulance just to chat. The first time I met all 6’3″ of “her”, dressed in a VERY short, low-cut sequin dress, I said all the wrong things. I kept looking at the fake red nails, the heavy makeup, the long, blonde wig, and the 4″ heels that made her even taller. I had never met anyone remotely like that back home. But under all that makeup and sequins, she was kind, funny, and smart. I was learning that it took all kinds to make the world go ’round.

Our night started out like any other night…a few calls here and there. It was a Saturday night, so our most exciting call was a belligerent, drunk frat boy who was fighting with his girlfriend, punched another patron, and then got punched by the bouncer. He was given the choice…jail or hospital. What would you choose? Duh!

The lunch hour had approached (which for us was about 2300 hrs…or 11:00 p.m.). Chinese food from a place that one probably wouldn’t drive to on their own in the middle of the night…Best. Food. Ever! (And…I have been known to drive there on my nights off. Sorry, Mom!)

BEEP. BEEP. “Unit 114 (No, we don’t stay in the same rig every shift.), respond to a traumatic injury. Apartments at 12th and Benjamin #312.” Damn…there goes my Moo goo gai pan! Lights…sirens…and my adrenaline! Even though I am hungry, I still get the rush!

We pulled up to the building, grabbed the medical bags, and hoofed it up the stairs. Puff, puff…Haven’t they heard of an elevator? By the time I knock on the door of #312, we are sweating and gasping.

Rule #1: Cardio (Just like Zombieland! If you haven’t seen the movie, it’s a must-see!)

The door was opened by a guy that looked to be early twenties. He ushered us in to the apartment. It was a typical bachelor pad with a couple of futons, a coffee table, and a large TV. There were some beer bottles on the table, and some rolling papers for what I suspected was marijuana, weed, pot, Mary Jane, bud, ganga, grass, dope…See? I’m learning! I asked him why he called 9-1-1, and he responded with a mumbled, “I have a light in my butt.”

“I’m sorry, did you say you have a light in your butt?” I must have heard him wrong. He repeated himself, but added a bit more information. “I have a lightbulb in my butt.” Oh…well that cleared it up. “Why do you have a lightbulb there?” Oops…I said it. I didn’t dare look at my partner because I heard him snickering behind me. The patient looked like he wanted to die.

“How long has the lightbulb been…uh…in place?” I was afraid if he had sat down at all, it might have broken inside him. “Well, the first one was…”

“Stop! The FIRST one?” I am pretty sure my eyes were bugging out of my head! “How many lightbulbs have you shoved up your butt?” He looked down and to the side, “Three.” Oh, Holy SH!T…

The patient gingerly followed us out to the waiting ambulance. He went to sit down on the cot as I yelled “STOP!” I informed him there would be no sitting. He would have to ride on his hands and knees because we couldn’t have any of the three bulbs breaking. It was a fairly quiet ride to the hospital. I tried to ask some questions to figure out what would possess someone to do this. He wasn’t very talkative. The ER staff was equally in awe of the patient after the x-ray pictures came back. Off to surgery…very carefully..for that guy.

We got back in the ambulance, and headed to lunch. I spent the rest of the night pondering human behavior. I wish I could “shed a little light on the subject”, but his is was one human behavior that I will never figure out. And I can live with that!